Being that it’s the eve of the oh-so-wonderful holiday filled with gushy romance and flowers and chocolate that is Valentine’s Day, and this eve falling on the most unluckiest of days (according to western superstition) that is Friday the 13th, why not relish in the sublime crossing of dates and go over some of the rather unfortunate, bizarre, violent and kinktastic mating habits of the deep? Feeling bummed about not having someone to spend this sappy Saturday with? Read through a few of these and I guarantee you’ll feel a little bit better about your love life (or lack there of) because after all, never will you be a hermaphroditic seaslug forced to fence with your penis to see whom gets to stab and inseminate whom. 1. The Male Anglerfish
Ahh, the poor, sad soul that is the male anglerfish. This little guy unfortunately spends his entire life in search of the girl of his dreams. What happens when he sniffs her out? He bites on and never lets go. Releasing and enzyme he begins to digest his own lips, fusing to her body at a vascular level, reducing himself to nothing more than a sperm factory for his lady, kinda like marriage. How’s your lonely Valentine’s day sounding now? Read more here. 2. Rapey Cuttlefish
If you’re a female cuttlefish, expect to be subjected to constant harassment from your male counterpart. These cephalopods are known to have quite the insatiable sexdrive, aggressively subjecting the females to the passing of sperm packets whether she wants to or not. This violent copulation takes its toll on the female and they can succumb to a most terrible fate – something I’ve witnessed, unfortunately, first hand. Hey, single ladies, your hot date with Netflix and glass of vino would never take advantage of you like that! 3. Filthy, Filthy Lobsters
I’m going to file this one under “stuff I didn’t really need to know”. First of all, and this is pretty cool, female lobsters get naked before mating. Only partaking in sexy times after molting, the female then shacks up with the male while her shell hardens, about ten days to two weeks, then packs up her crustaceous belongings and leaves. Don’t feel too bad for the guy, there’s always another female waiting for her turn with the dominant male. How’s this fall into “need not know” territory?… More:
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